Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for

There is one really big thing that I need to forgive myself for and this is long time in coming. I basically have just put it in the back of my mind and try not to think about it but as you can see, it can sit there and fester and basically make you one feel so guilt ridden. So here it goes. My brother left the house before I became a junior in high school. He didn't leave on friendly terms with my parents and I felt like he could have matured up some and just followed the rules of the house and therefore he wouldn't have left me the only child in that house. After he left I became pretty lonely there. I never realized how much company he actually was. And then when Vance left for boot camp I felt like I was being left behind with everything. So that was the start of me not talking to my brother. I remember a couple of times where he actually tried to call my cell before my shift started at work but I ignored them because in my mind he abandoned me and I was left to grow up by myself basically. So back then, I thought I had reason enough to technically 'abandon" him.

Now here is a little back story. My brother (yes he is my half brother but I never put the half in front of it) was born HIV positive. The doctors said he would never live past 2 years old because of how sick he was. He defied all odds with the help from my parents and grew up to become as healthy as he could be. He grew strong and looked like any other teenage boy. If not for all the medicine and doctor's appointments no one was the wiser. He hated it all of course, but it was the only things keeping him alive. As soon as he left the house he wasn't as vigilant in taking his medicine and going to see his doctors. I think he gave up on it all just so he can feel he lived for once. So he was gone and I basically put him out of my mind. I never realized how much I can regret something. I graduated, moved away, got married and never really thought about anything or anybody but myself and my new life. I saw my brother once before he passed away. And by then it was too late. He was trached and couldn't speak. So I couldn't even hear his voice. And by then he wasn't able to write anymore so we couldn't converse. I never thought it would be that bad when I flew home to visit because my parents told me he wasn't doing so good. After staying near his care facility for a couple of days I had to go back home to SC because of my schooling. I remember the phone call from my family telling me he wasn't going to last the night, I remember the plane ride home with my husband to attend his funeral, I remember the funeral itself, the plane ride home, and the acting like everything was normal. But what I remember most is how guilty I felt for acting like such a child back then. I could have spent the last two years of his life being his sister, and friend. Seriously, this was the brother that everybody thought we were twins, we always teamed up against our older sisters, we went to the same school at the same time, so he walked me to and from grade school, taught me the hallways of high school. And all because he got out of the house and lived the life he wanted, I acted like I was the victim and took him out of my life and notice.  And it wasn't until too late that I realized my mistake and grew up.

So this is what I need to forgive myself for. I need to drill it into my head that I was just a child and was acting like one.  I know he understood it more then I did in the end. Here is the last time I saw my brother alive and I will forever remember. I forgive myself.